This story might intrigue you. After reading it, you may have a deep urge to find me, to look me up on websites and social media. Don’t do that. Instead, you look around. You can find me in someone around you, someone whom you have shelved into a corner of your heart. Someone who may have crossed as an object of your sympathy, or God forbid, anger. That someone could be in your family, your friends, your acquaintance, or a story you may have heard in gossip. Think and I can bet you will find someone like me. I am everywhere!

This story starts, not at the beginning but somewhere in the middle. I am sitting in my hostel room, on an orange-colored chair, with my hands on the table. The brown colored table, made of teak, is about 11 x 14 inches. It has books, papers and pens strewn all over it as if waters of the sea have washed off all the dead fishes and waste plastic to the shores. I have been sitting for the last nine hours wearing a yellow-colored t-shirt and shorts. I have been in these clothes for the past month. I haven’t had a bath for God knows how long. I haven’t had a glass of water or been to the toilet for these nine hours. I am talking to people, people whom I can see and hear. People not present in their physical form, yet connected to me through my mind.

These people have taken different positions in the three-dimensional space in my mind. I can see their faces and bodies and can hear them speak. One bunch of people with me is my faculty. They lie on the XY and the YZ plane depending upon whether they belong to one camp or the other. My thesis committee members and faculty who taught me are always there. Another bunch of people in my mind is the national politicians. They occupy the left side of the YZ plane. Some of them are also present on the plane which makes a forty-five-degree angle with the three axes. Among these politicians, the home minister and the finance minister make frequent entries. The road transport minister and the leaders of opposition parties are also present. On the XZ plane on the left-hand side lie the leaders of the far-right Hindu organization. The left leaning award-winning author of my country is present on the positive X axis. On the negative YZ plane, a popular film director is present with occasional visits from the other members of the film fraternity. The best psychoanalyst of the country is present on the positive XZ plane. My friends are there on the negative Z axis. The woman I love is on the positive Z axis. ‘Jaane wo kaise log they jinke pyar ko pyar mila, humne to jab kaliya mangi kaanton ka har mila,’ a Gurudutt song from Pyaasa is playing in my mind. These positions are not sacrosanct. People move around from one position to the other as they speak. Others also join us as and when required.

Such a rich and distinguished company I got. The issue must be significant that such a bunch got together in my mind. The heads of the country, the popular artists, best professors, and leaders of religious organizations! What has happened?

There are three primary issues at stake here. To be honest, there are more than two issues. But for simplicity, I will stick with the three which are troubling me the most. The first is between me and the woman I love. The second is about the Nobel Prize winning idea I am working on. And the third is a possible instance of collusion in the solar auctions which I am writing a paper about.

The problem of love would be easy to explain. You probably have gone through it in your life. Things are always complicated in love. Love is sweet yet it stings and gets layered over time much like a rose. Over time as roses wilt and look dirty, my love has taken a dirty turn as well. If you think you will hear a saga, I will disappoint you. My story of love is not a saga, at least not of the kind you have been hearing about in books and movies. It has a form of its own.

I will come straight to the problem. It is one of marriage. On one side, the members of the Hindu Organization, some of my faculty, and few of my friends, want me to marry the woman I love. On the other, the writer, the artists, and some of my faculty and friends want me to resist the marriage. We are in a hung assembly and I am unable to take a final decision. I am like a river split into two streams, unable to get back together.

I have been grappling with this question for the last three years. The more I wait, the story becomes complicated and bigger players get involved. Every time I take a step, things get murkier. It’s as if one is sitting on a tree surrounded by a growing number of lions. One has to wait and wait and wait for things to clear up.

The second problem is that of the brilliant idea I am working on. The work, if completed, will give me the Nobel Prize. This is one of the few things everybody in my mind agrees upon. And everybody I am connected to wants to work with me or take some credit of the work. The infighting is so great that I have been unable to progress from the idea phase to any concrete work. Every time I start to work on it, the situation created is such that I have to stop work and discuss issues with them.

This idea is separate from the thesis I am writing. I am a PhD student so I have to write my thesis. Even though the idea comes from the thesis, it is different in its methodology and the challenge it poses. My thesis does not pose a big challenge. It’s a straight forward work in the field of carbon taxation in the transport sector.

The third is a project which I have undertaken based on a peculiar bid in the solar auctions in India. It might be an instance of collusion but needs to be investigated. My supervisors do not want me to work on it. Big companies are involved in solar auction bidding in India and it might face a lot of resistance. Yet, I want to bring it out but I am afraid.

Today, sitting in my room, I am grappling with these three issues. Night has descended. I have not eaten anything today. The people in my head have occupied me the whole day. I finally rise up when I realize that my cigarette pack is empty. The only thing I go out for is cigarettes and tea. I rise up, take short steps and open my door. Out I go to the lift to take a walk to the tea shop.