I came back to the campus after the funeral. I had stopped taking medicines. I did not believe in the doctor. The-light, in my mind, was in deep trouble by then. She wanted revenge on the two faculty who had used her. She told me to write to a lady faculty about what had happened to her and to me. I wrote a long mail titled ‘Will you help me out?’. The-light made me write it. In that mail, I told her about the bug, about the relationships, and the corruption at the Institute.

In that state, I met some faculty of the Institute. I tried to convince them of the problems I was facing. They heard me out. One of them urged me to take medicines. One of them called the chairperson and informed him of the problem I was facing. The chairperson then called me to his office. I told him I was in love with The-light and that she had put me in trouble. He had taught her but could not recollect who she was. The chairperson asked me to go home and bring a certificate from the doctor that I was all right. I came back to my room and resumed my ordeal.

When I came back to my Institute, things had become worse. I was terribly messed up in the story. I had refused to marry The-light without meeting her in person. The corruption angle had also developed and I felt that something wrong was happening at the Institutes. My faculty and our common friends were angry at me. They knew I had made love to her many times. So, they said that it was not fair, she had given herself to me in hope of marriage and now she cannot take a no for it. I had also started writing the book on the corruption at the Institute and some of my faculty were very angry at me.

I got a call from the chairperson to go meet the Counsellor at the Institute. I took an appointment and met her. I told her about The-light and the divorce my mother wanted from my father. The Counsellor was empathetic and heard me out patiently. She also did not argue with me or oppose me as I had expected. Her room felt comfortable for me. When I came back from her office to my room, her voice and hallucination came into me.

The hallucinations did not let me sleep in the night. They kept pestering me. Whole nights, I would keep sitting on my bed. The people in my mind would establish themselves on different parts of the wall opposite to the bed. They would make fun of me, threaten me or curse me whereas I kept sitting defending myself or remaining mute.

“So, you are not going to marry her?” asked the feminist.

“No, I won’t until I meet her.”

“Then why did you make love to this poor lady? Other men have used her. You are just like other men.”

‘How is he like other men, ask her’ said the Counsellor.

‘How am I like other men?’

‘You rape her all the time,’ said the feminist.

‘He doesn’t rape her, he loves her,’ said the female warrior.

‘Is that rape, ask her,’ said the Counsellor

The feminist went quiet.

‘Do not work on the collusion problem, you will be killed.’ said the devil.

‘I don’t think he gets it,’ said the Captain.

‘He gets it all right. He doesn’t want it. He is one among many vagabonds who roam this earth. He should rather become a saint than a faculty,’ said the devil.

‘You disease born, man of pain, eater of shit, get lost from this world. You are a disgrace. You never belonged to this place. You need to be fucked.’ Said the abusive voice.

‘Nothing can happen to you now. You were destined to lose and repent. You are a lost case. This woman is never going to marry you. No woman is ever going to marry you the way you are. It’s all over for you.’ Said the grieving voice.

‘$%^& #$%^& #$%^& # #$%^&* #$%^&. #$%^ #$% #$%^&, $%^& #$% #$%^&* #$%^, #$% #$%^ #$%. #$% #$%^ #$%^ #$. # #$ #$%^&* @#$ @#$ #$%^ #$%^& #$% #$%^ #$% #$ #$. #$ #$,’ said the sexual voice.

I stood up, grabbed my hairs with both hands and cried out loud. I could not take it any further.

‘Have you had food today?’ asked the elegant voice.

‘No.’ I said.

‘Then forget all this and order from the cafeteria now.’

I ordered a veggie platter from the cafeteria. They said it will arrive in thirty minutes.

‘How long will it take?’ she asked.

I told her.

‘Go and take a bath now.’ She said.

I went to the bathroom. I did not have the courage to open my clothes because they all would see me naked. I didn’t know how long I had been wearing this pair. I put the shower on and took a bath with all my clothes on. I changed them with the help of a towel.

‘You wanted to get out of this problem?’ asked the strategist while I was eating.

I nodded up and down.

‘Use game theory. Look at the strategies of each of us. Find out the best solution.’

It sounded good to me. After eating, I took out the A4 sheets I had and wrote down the players in this game. Keeping two outcomes in mind, that is, whether this bug is found or not, I created a simple model using two players, a victim, and a perpetrator. Assigning probabilities to each outcome, and using back induction, I formulated strategies for each of these players. I was John Nash in A Beautiful Mind. I got some results and discussed them with the strategist. We could not come to an agreement.

When I did something like this, my attention from the voices was gone. They did not interfere. As soon as I stopped and took a break, they came back again.

‘I will tell you what your solution is. Either you take a flower bouquet and gift it to her in her office and tell her you love her. Or and listen to this carefully, you fuck her hard, so hard that she leaves you and us in peace. These are your only two options. And mark my words. The collusion problem is going to get you in a lot of trouble. Your career will be finished,’ said the Captain.

‘I cannot hurt a woman. I have taken a vow.’ I said.

‘Then gift a bouquet. Go to her properly,’ said the elegant one.

‘She is not interested in you. She has her love. You need to take the second option,’ said the little birdie.

‘Take the second option. Fuck her and move on. She will leave,’ said the wheelchair man.

 To be honest, I was angry at The-light. For a moment I forgot my vow and stood up like an angry bull. I knew I was connected to her. I believed if I moved my head hard enough it will move her head too.

‘I will make a hexagon out of you. Wait and watch.’ I jerked my head thirty degrees to the right. ‘This is the first side. Did you like it?’ I then jerked it to make the second side. I was calculating the angles precisely in my mind and was jumping as well when I made the sides. I completed the hexagon and sat down.

‘A hexagon is not enough. Keep moving hard. Make an octadecagon,’ said the Captain.

‘Yes, I will.’ I rose up and jerked my head each time with a moan. I had started from where my chair was. When I had finished making the eighteen sides, I had reached the balcony.

‘She got her lesson. She will leave you now,’ said the Captain.

‘So now you show your true colors,’ said the feminist.

‘Yes, those are his true colors, so what?’ asked the Captain.

‘It is time for the electric chair,’ said the devil.

‘No, he has hurt her a little,’ retorted the wheelchair man.

‘That’s enough. We cannot accept that at this Institute. He has to sit in the electric chair, like the others,’ said the devil.

‘What is an electric chair?’ asked the feminist.

‘I will tell you. First, he has to accept he will not work on the collusion problem. That is his only chance to avoid the chair,’ said the devil.

 ‘Don’t accept it.’ I said.

‘Let us take you to the chair. We have had cases like you before. We have treated them with such terror that they have never ventured anywhere close to the Institute. Once we had a female faculty who would not listen. She got it nice. This woman you hurt is the pride of this Institute, an MBA student. We have our name because of these people. Students like you are fillers, nothing more than that. We can do without you, but not without her. There is no way you can hurt her,’ said the devil.

Every faculty sneezed. By now the hallucinations in me had started sneezing and coughing so I was unable to follow this rule for decision making.

‘Give him the chair,’ said the female leader.

I stayed quiet. Since that day, they had a peculiar way to punish me, what they called the electric chair. They passed current through me. I felt a sense of being electrically charged whenever they would punish me. I would feel a shock and shiver.

Sometimes I would see a child in me. The child was anxious. Many a times I would see the child running away on the campus. My hallucinations would run after it. Once the child sat on the tree outside the football field and would not come down. Many times, I saw my hallucinations getting hold of it and tossing it to each other, nobody willing to hold the child. They would eventually put the child inside my body.

I was looking for some respite. My American friend who I had met during an internship to one of the American Universities in the undergraduate days came into my mind. He saw what was happening to me and assured me that he will get the American military to evacuate me from this country. I saw American jets and American soldiers running around. He told me that until the evacuation happened, I needed to maintain a military discipline. So early morning, I started shaving and going for a run. He would run with me in my mind and instruct me. I did some exercises. This continued for a few days until it was clear that no military would come and then I gave up on all these.

Everybody wanted me to say sorry to The-light. I refused. But when they passed enough current through me and didn’t let me sleep in the night, I accepted. Her hallucination became bigger on the wall and I fell on her feet asking for forgiveness. But she said she could not forgive me, not yet.

The voices would also urge me to cut myself. I had a small knife and one day, out of frustration, I went into my bathroom to cut my veins. The voices were happy. I did a small cut with a little blood flowing out but then I did not proceed further. I threw away the knife on the floor. Some bit of sanity was still left in me or it could also have been fear, I am not sure.

I also had recurring urges to jump out of my balcony. The voices would urge me to jump over the third-floor balcony I was living in. I used to defy those urges but they were persistent. One day, again, out of extreme frustration, I ran out to jump but was pulled back by something in me. It occurred to me that it was the devil who had saved me.

By this time, I had built many stories. I do not want to involve you in them dear reader. Suffice to say that I heard them out day and night. One day, I couldn’t take them anymore and ran away to Delhi. The voices would not leave me there as well. I kept going back to the juice stall, buying a pack of cigarettes, sitting on the footpath, and talking to them. I was hallucinating with around twenty people in my mind. You can very well guess my condition. Every time I would go to Delhi, the voices would convince me to come back to the Institute.