In another fifteen minutes, it is me, Sabina and Ispita. Others have left.

‘Are you a movie man, Kabir?’ asked Sabina.

‘Yeah, I watch them sometimes.’

‘You seem to be true to your spectacles, huh. These big black ones. Always studying and studying. Dude, give yourself a break sometimes.’ She laughed at this. Ipsita looks at me and smiles.

‘Why join here, this University?’ I asked Sabina.

‘Because I am a not good for anything bitch.’ I look at her. It is not a joke otherwise she would be smiling. She is in fact looking deep into the alcohol in her glass.

‘Not good for anything bitch,’ she repeated and then looks up at me. It is a look of pity, the look of an animal who knows it is going to be killed, begging for mercy.

‘I don’t understand.’ I say. Immediately, I repent saying this line. I realize it would take her into a realm of pain.

‘There is nothing to understand,’ said Ipsita, ‘she talks like that when she is drunk. I know her well you know. She was my junior during PhD days. We are from the same Institute.’

‘Never did I talk like that Ipsita. Don’t lie. He makes me do it, that bastard.’

A fear arose in me, the one that comes from uncertainty. Did I say something to her that made her angry?

‘What have I said?’

Sabina gave a smile. Ipsita clarified.

‘He thinks it’s him. Arey not you, it’s someone else.’

‘Tell him who it was,’ demanded Sabina. ‘Tell him.’

‘There is nothing to tell. Past is past. You have to think about it Sabina. And don’t belittle this University. You will find it’s a good working place.’

‘Yeah, you are right. Past is past.’ She takes a sip of the drink. And then in a rage, stands up, and smashes the glass onto the floor with a demonic force. The glass splinters into pieces that fly around the room. Ipsita is standing with both her hands on her hips. She looks cool. She puts her hands on Sabina’s head who places it on Ipsita’s bosom and cries like a child. I am sitting on the sofa staring at the wall with no clue about how to react. Both the women stay in that position for about ten minutes.

‘Enough of crying. You do not need to cry anymore. You are a good girl. Pain will come to those who have made you suffer. Mark my words.’

‘Pain is with me didi. And it will never go.’ Sabina got control and goes into the bathroom to splash water on her face. She comes back and asks me if I could drop her to her apartment. I say yes, I would. We go to the door with Ipsita following us.

‘Take care,’ she said to her. ‘Thank you for coming Kabir,’ she told me as she was closing the door.

‘My pleasure,’ I replied.

We come out of her building. The night is quiet. Cars line up all along the boundary. The security guy is walking around with a stick in his hands. A certain pain has erupted in me. I look for solace at this night. There is none. Sabina is deadly quiet and walking fast.

‘Wrong direction,’ I said.

‘Oh yes,’ she turns back and starts walking in the opposite direction.

I follow her. We enter her building and press for the lift. On entering the lift, she presses three buttons in haste. Her apartment is on the twelfth floor. She has forgotten to press her floor. I press the twelfth floor. The lift starts moving up and keeps stopping at every floor she had pressed. She walks out when it stops on the second floor. I say wait, this is not your floor. She goes out when the lift stops on the fifth floor. I have to catch her hand and get her back. On the tenth floor, when the lift opens, she looks at me like a child looking at her father for directions. I motion in a no. She waits. When the lift stops on the twelfth floor, I say let’s go. We move out. She takes the keys out of her bag and opens the door.

‘Will be alright?’ I say as I turn back.

‘Please come in,’ she says.

‘Leave. I will.’

‘$%^&*.#$%^ ^&%$# #$%^ #$%^,’ said the sexual voice. I am afraid the voices will start dominating my thought process again. They had been quiet at the party.

‘I will feel good if you come in. I need to talk to somebody now.’ She insisted.

‘O.K.’ And I went inside with her. ‘#$%^ #$%^ #$%^& @#$%^. #$% #$%^ #$% #$ #$% #$%^ #$% #$%^ #$%^& #$%,’ the sexual voice said.

‘Please sit on the sofa. I will be back.’ I sat while she went inside a room. ‘$%$ %^amp; #$%^ #$%^ @#$%^.’ I rose up. Have to run. While I am moving towards the door, she comes back.

‘The bathroom is on that side,’ she says. I turn towards the bathroom. ‘#$% #$% #$%^ #$ #$%^& # #$%^&*, #$% #$%^ #$%^ $%^ $%. #$% #$% #$%^ #$%, #$%^ #$% #$ #$ #$% !@#$%^&*&*, @#$%^ @# @#$ #$%. #$%^ @#$% !@#$%^ @#$. #$%^ #$% #$% #$%^ #$%^&.’ I sat on the floor of the bathroom. I do not want to go out. After five minutes, she knocks.

‘Is everything all right, Kabir?’

‘Yes. One minute.’

‘Take your time.’

‘#$%^. #$% #$ #$%^& $% $%^ #$%^&*. #$% $% #$%^&* $%^. #$%^ #$% $%^&, #$%^& #$%^ $% $%^, $%^ $%^ $%^ #$%^&*& $%^ $%^& $%^ $%^&,’ this voice was beyond my control. I saw everybody looking at me. The-light, the Indian Prime Minister, my friends, all the people in my mind are there. Are they trying to get me arrested? Is this woman their agent who has come to trap me? Are they putting these dirty words in my mind through this connection? I have never spoken things like these in my life. There has to be a connection.

‘Is everything alright, Kabir?’ she asks again.

‘Will be out.’

I flush and came out.

‘Leave now. I will sleep.’

‘Can you stay for a while for me? I am feeling afraid. I don’t want to hurt myself.’

‘#$%^ #$% #$%. $% #$% #$%^ #$%. #$% #$ #$%^&* #$% #$%^& #$% #$% #$% #$%^ #$%^&* $% $%^& @#$%^&*&.’

‘O.K. For a while.’

She sat on the sofa opposite to me.

‘Look Kabir. I am going through a terrible pain. They say you should speak out when you have pain. Would you like to listen to me?’

‘Listening to her will take you to doom. This woman is going to give you pain. The world is a painful place, you are a painful man. Do not listen to her.’

‘Tell me.’

She started speaking. As she spoke images came into my mind. She is telling me a story and I can visualize it completely. Let me share it with you the way I saw it.

Sabina completed her Bachelors in Economics from Presidency College, Kolkata. After that, she joined the PhD program at an Institute in Kolkata. There, she met a fellow student Anirban, who was her PhD colleague. She took a liking to Anirban. Both of them spent a lot of time together discussing Economics, politics, sports, and movies. They shared common interests. By the end of the first year, they had fallen in love. In the second year, they started sleeping together. Sex together was even better. By the end of the second year, their parents knew. The stage was set for marriage. Anirban was doing his PhD in Economics.

Life continued uninterrupted in the third and fourth years. They completed the different stages required for a PhD which included choosing a guide, committee members, finalizing a topic, and giving a proposal. Both of them were on their way to submitting their thesis in their fifth year. Sabina had even announced to her close friends that she would get married to him as soon as their PhD was over.

Problems arose in the middle of fifth year. Sabina’s guide was unhappy with her work. He suggested she stay for another year to complete her PhD. She did not question his judgment. He had a reasonable argument. She needed more data to confirm her hypothesis and collecting such data would take time. Anirban’s work was almost complete by the mid of fifth year and he had started applying for jobs at different Institutes. Within a few months he got a confirmed call from a Institute in Bangalore. He was set to join after the end of his fifth year. Hell broke loose after this.

Anirban had met another Economics PhD student from a foreign university. The Institute at Bangalore had accepted her too. He had become particularly close to her. They talked once every week. He said this to Sabina who did not mind it as discussions among researchers is a common thing. But their talk got personal and she came to visit Anirban at Kolkata. Sabina guessed they spent the night together in a hotel room.

 After that day, Anirban was indifferent to Sabina. He would not go to dinner together and make excuses to stay in his room or go and meet his friends. They had stopped talking every day. They met once a week during which Anirban would speak little. When asked by Sabina, why was he not speaking, he would reply that he was busy thinking about a problem. He had stopped putting his energy into sex and it had become a mechanical thing for them. Sabina sensed something was wrong and confronted him on this.

Anirban made it clear to her that he was no more in love with her. That he and the other faculty had started a relationship. But for her sake, he was still meeting her and sleeping with her. This news jolted Sabina, threw her to the winds. She felt that her heart was being pounded by a hammer. Tears came to her eyes but Anirban was not looking in them. He argued that he would like to start a family with the other faculty. He thought that she understood him better than Sabina. Sabina responded that she would also apply for the Institute at Bangalore when her PhD got over. Then both of them could live together and start a family. Anirban said that he did not think her PhD was of good quality. She would never get a job at a privileged Institute like Bangalore. This broke Sabina’s heart.

As Anirban left, she went into depression. Her data collection had stopped. Her close friends tried to buck her up by saying that this was not the end of her life. Many opportunities lay in front of her. She had an empathetic guide as well who understood her problem. Everybody knew about her and Anirban, even all the professors of the Institute at Kolkata. She lost one semester in mourning. Overtime sense returned and she completed her thesis and submitted it. She applied only to the Institute at Bangalore for faculty position but did not get a call for an interview. She then applied to the University and joined as a faculty.

This is where her story ends. For the whole time, I was looking at the floor while listening. When I raised my head to look at her, I saw her crying.

‘I love him you know.’

‘I understand.’

‘Why did he have to do it to me?’ she shouted.

I have no answer to this. So, I keep quiet. I am sad. In some ways it reminds me of my love for The-light. I feel an urge to tell her about my own failure in love. But I keep quiet. I am afraid that I may end up speaking about my own schizophrenia.

‘You don’t understand how much pain I carry with me Kabir. It’s unbearable sometimes.’

‘No drinking. It brings out pain.’

She smiled at this. Women are strange. It’s as if they have a range of emotions placed inside their heart and they can transition from one to the other. I am relieved.

‘You are so sweet. I am happy I got a friend like you here. It helps a lot. One should have good friends around.’

‘True.’

‘Do you have pain in your heart Kabir?’

I have a deep urge to tell her about my schizophrenia, but I keep quiet. Failure in love is not a disease, schizophrenia is. Most people wish to stay away from mentally ill people. I like being with Sabina and do not wish to ruin it for her and me.

‘Find anyone without pain?’

She smiled again.

‘Tell me someday about your pains. I would love to hear it and help you out.’

‘Sure.’

There is silence for a brief while. Sabina is not crying anymore. She is staring out of the window. Then she lies down on the sofa and closes her eyes. I understand she has to sleep.

‘Kabir, can you stroke my hairs please? I wish to sleep.’

I pull a chair in front of the sofa and sit on it. I start stroking her hairs and put my other hand on her forehead. She is like a little child. She has closed her eyes. She is taking slow breaths. After five minutes of sleep, she opens her eyes and looks at me. There is a sparkle in them.

‘I will sleep on my bed now.’

‘I will leave.’

She gives a smile again. This smile lightens up my heart. I rise up and walk towards the door. She follows me sleepily. Before I come out, she pulls my hand and hugs me tight. Then she lets me go. I say goodnight. By then she has closed the door.