Next day I am sitting with Boss in the same room with the Traumafinder standing tall in the middle.

‘We are ready. Remember what you read. Your memories will flash back from childhood all over this room, all around you. You will feel emotions you felt when you encountered these memories and new emotions of seeing them again. We believe that certain events of your life are important to understand your voices and hallucinations. When these events arrive, the machine will recognize your feelings. We would look into those memories in greater detail to understand the core problem. You may feel uncomfortable during those times. But bear with me. It helps.’

‘O.K.’ I am afraid and excited. I get myself mentally ready to raise my head and look at the ceiling.

‘Let’s start Traumafinder.’ The Boss says in a sweet voice.

There is a lightning all around the room. The scenes of my childhood move at a fast pace on the walls and ceilings of the room. Moment by moment, day by day, right from the moment I am born. I cannot make out anything. It is as if the scenes are dust flowing in a fast-moving wind. You see them for a split second and then they are gone far ahead out of your sight.

After a while comes a face. The Traumafinder stops on the face. And I freeze. A deep fear emanates in me as if my hands are to be chopped by an axe any second.

‘Who is he?’ she asks me.

‘My neighbor Uncle.’

‘Can you remember why are your emotions so strong on seeing him?’

Memories have started coming to me. But I could not tell them to the Boss. I am afraid. She sees that on my face.

‘Go slow Traumafinder. Show the memory in detail.’

‘$%^& !@#$%^&*& #$%^ #$%^& @#$%^ #$%. #$% #$%^ #$%^&* @#$%^& #$%, @#$% #$% #$%^& #$%^&*. #$% #$ #$%^ #$% #$%^&. #$% #$ #$%^& #$% #$% $%# #$.’

The scenes slow down. I am riding on the small toy cycle around my house. The door is open. I move out and into the house of my neighbor. We live in a building with three stories and six houses. He is lying alone on the bed. He sees me, gets up, and walks towards me. He gets me out of my cycle. He is wearing a lungi. He puts his hand in the lungi and strokes something for a while and then takes out his penis. He puts my hand on it.

‘I have come now. I am your guru. I taught you. Keep watching.’

‘Stop’ says the Boss. She looks at me. I am shivering. It has come to me, the feeling of dread. A beast has trapped me. I look at her.

‘Forgotten these memories. Came back recently.’

‘Memories which cause trauma are embedded deep inside us, especially if we do not share it with someone. You have never shared this memory with anyone. Over time they got deep into your subconscious and you forget them.’

‘Why important now?’

‘It’s important for you to remember them, to connect your voices and experiences to them dear. Is there any voice that has become activated in you right now?’

‘Yes.’ I nod my head.

‘Good. Then we are making progress. Look at the whole memory. Listen to what you feel and what your voices say. Then tell me what they say. Let’s continue Traumafinder.’

I look up. I am touching his penis and then he takes my hand away from it. He brings it back and strokes his penis with my small hands.

‘I taught you to fuck. Showed you heaven. You bastard. #$% #$% #$%^ #$% @#$%^& #$%^ @#$% @#$%^. #$% @#$% #$%. #$% #$%^& #$.’

I try to pull off my hand but he is holding it tight. He is telling me something and I am smiling because he keeps smiling. He comes close to me and starts touching my body with his other hand. The strokes become fast. Now I am crying and want to get away from him. I start hitting him on the leg but cannot free myself away. He slaps me and keeps stroking, now coming closer to me and trying to kiss me. I move away. The strokes have become wild and now he has one hand on me and his head looking up murmuring something fast. Then he ejaculates on my hands. He washes me up in the bathroom. I can see him giving threatening instructions to me not to say this to anyone. He then gives me a chocolate, the one which I like the most.

‘Your first encounter. It was me who helped you. That is why you are a hero now.’

I am feeling unwell. I tell her what the voice said.

‘The voice will try and convince you it’s your friend. Don’t worry, we will take control.’

 ‘Done for today.’ I tell her.

‘No problem. We will do it tomorrow again.’

‘Thanks Boss.’

‘No problem. Where are you living?’

‘Hotel, across the road.’

‘Are you coming to Sabina’s house today?’

‘Yes.’

I rise up and shake her hand. She shows me the way out and I come out to have a cold drink at a nearby hotel.