Next day the first thing I tell Boss is that I would have to take a leave to fulfill my duties at the University. She is cool with it even though she says that these treatments work best when the continuity is not broken. Continuity helps us find the path to the current situation. The causal path can shine light on the needful transformation needed to get one back to normalcy. She switches on the Traumafinder as I get mentally prepared to see images of my past. Emotionally I have been there the whole time. But watching the memories go by is different. You feel like a river flowing through a mixture of landscapes: fast on high altitudes, slow and wide in the lower plains. You feel it pass through different structures accumulating different experiences as it makes it way towards its final destination. My mind is a river. My life is a river. And I am looking at its early stages.

‘Today we are going to spend time with your experience of sexual abuse. Let me explain to you what I expect you to do. We will go back to your experience with that neighbor of yours. That is where he is teaching you to rub yourself. I can see that you are hearing out what he is saying to you and following his instructions. This time I want you to think of something you can say to him so that you object to his suggestions instead of following them. You have to change your future and for that you have to change your past.’

This feels odd to me. One cannot change the past. What is the use of all this! I see her and she understands my reservations.

‘By changing the past, I do not mean we can get you back in time. I meant we can change the way we deal with your past. This is the first step to your recovery from your experience of this abuse. Trust me, this helps. Think of something to tell him rather than following him unconditionally. Traumafinder, let’s go to that memory of sexual abuse.’

I can see the ceiling and the walls stop at the point where he is taking off my clothes. He takes me to bed and starts talking.

‘Stop Traumafinder.’ She looks at me. ‘What do you think you should have said to him?’

‘Slap him.’

‘Yes, but you can’t slap the voice in your mind. When you can think of something to say to him so that he stops, you can say that to his voice in you as well.’

I think for a while.

‘Don’t do this to me. Not right.’

‘Find a reason. What if he asks what is wrong in it?’

‘God will not forgive you.’

‘Was he a god-fearing man?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Think of something else then. Something that you think is right and will work.’

‘I don’t know. I don’t know what will work.’

‘Think about the aunt he fantasized about? Would you have thought sexually of her if someone told you about it now?’

‘No.’

‘What would you have said to the guy?’

‘Aunt belongs to her husband. She will sexually associate with him. We should not think of her rather think of our wife or our girlfriends.’

‘Great. Say this to him.’

‘Aunt loves husband. You love wife. I will love girlfriend.’

‘Do you think this will work?’

‘Don’t know.’

‘I think it will. Say it to him again. This time in your mind with your inner voice.’

I did that.  The voice came up again. ‘She has gone mad because she is alone. #$% #$%^& #$ #$%. #$%^ #$% #$%^ #$% #$% #$%^& #$ #$%^ #$ #$ #$%.’

 I look at her. She is looking straight at me. I say with my inner voice to this voice. ‘She has a husband or a boyfriend who will do it with her. You don’t need me to say it to do with her.’

‘You madman, ask her. #$% #$%^ #$% #$% #$%^ #$ #$%^&.’

‘That is not appropriate. I will ask the woman I want to have sex. Let her have it with the man of her choice.’

‘You won’t understand. #$% #$ #$%^&* #$ #$%^ #$ #$ #$%. #$%^ #$ #$% #$% #$% #$%^&. How can I make you understand?’

‘You don’t need to make me understand. You need to understand it yourself.’

‘Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.Dhumbaaaaaaa.’

‘Working?’ she asks me.

‘Yeah.’

‘Great. When this voice comes up and asks you to think about any woman sexually, you can reason with it. Don’t get angry, reason with it. Take as much time as you like. You will see the difference. You will take some time to get used to it. But this works.’

I nod. I have hope now. And hope is a big thing.

‘Now let’s come to the other part of your problem, the guilt. You are old enough to know that masturbation is not at all a problem. In fact, is could be healthy for people to masturbate certain times a week.’

‘Yes, but can’t get rid of this guilty feeling.’

‘How can you get ashamed if you know what you are doing is all right?’

‘Too much shame. Turned my face away from Goddess Durga while doing it at home.’

‘I understand. Let’s see what we can say about your guilt. Your mother put this into you. Maybe she thought it wrong or maybe she thought you were too young. It’s surprising she didn’t ask you where you learnt it from or didn’t discuss it with your father. Let’s go back to that scene and see if you can say something to your mother that would ease you out. Traumafinder, take us to the memory about his mother finding out about his rubbing.’

Traumafinder takes us to the scene.

‘What would you say to your mother Kabir?’

‘About the neighbor.’

‘That’s right. You should have told her. That would have changed things and saved you from further abuse. But there is no time for it. What would you say to the voices in you making you ashamed?’

‘Masturbation is healthy.’

‘Good. Reason with her in your mind. Say it with your inner voice.’

The scenes moved to my days at the Institute where the voices are persecuting me for making love to The-light and coaxing me to marry her. I went back to the days and emotions welled up in me. The chief of Hindu organization was telling me how wrong it is to make love to women of our cultures in your mind if you don’t want to marry them.

‘Absolutely nothing wrong.’ I shouted.

‘Never react to these voices. Reason with them. They are inside you, no one else can hear them. Calm down and reason with them.’ The Boss gives me a glass of water. I gulp it all down.

‘Nothing wrong with it.’ I say calmly.

‘Good. Whenever anyone makes you ashamed of it, argue it this way. Our cultures do not promote relationships among youngsters. The exploration of sex is taboo. The expectation is that one gets a girl after getting a job and stays with the woman all his life. As if love follows an order. Many men masturbate even after marriage. There is nothing wrong with you masturbating. However, there is a suggestion I would make.’

‘What is it?’

‘You should stop thinking about different women in your life while you do your thing. Many times, it is a breach of trust which the woman has placed on you as a friend or as a colleague. This is a direct consequence of your sexual abuse.  Why don’t you go to online websites to find a partner who can associate with your fantasies? There are many such spaces available now on web. There are many women like you who need a male partner to fulfill their desires. That would be a healthier option for you until you find a real woman.’

‘Will do it.’

‘Good. You will see this issue will clear out for you over time.’

I understand this statement like a method we use in sciences. In mathematics we have the process of induction to prove or disapprove a hypothesis. Whenever there is a problem at hand, methods like induction could be used to find the truth. Similarly, whenever I came across a voice or a thought in my head connected to sex, I could reason with it.

I see Boss looking at me. She is a strange woman, the most direct woman I have ever met. She speaks the truth and is not hesitant to point mistakes and call a spade a spade. I think I have never met a woman like this in my life. I ask her.

‘These issues, not spoken about too much. Do people hate truth?’

‘Yes, when it starts making them uncomfortable.’

‘My comfort level challenged, it’s good?’

‘Sure, it is. Let’s move on. I hope you have got an idea to deal with these voices that torment you sexually and bring you guilt.’

‘Got to reason with them.’

‘Good. We will stop here Kabir. I will see you tomorrow.’

When I enter the hotel, there is a commotion in the lobby. Some well-known politician has arrived and he has people around him. I see the man speaking to a small gathering. It occurs to me that these politician types are always giving speeches. Imagine how they would talk to their kids and wife. What if they are in the habit of giving speeches to them as well all the time! This brings a smile to my lips as I push and shove people to get into the lift.

In the room, the first thing I do is to take a shower. There is both hot and cold water and I mix them both so the temperature of water is normal. I come out and put on fresh clothes, switch on my laptop and surf the internet for a while. Voices come to me intermittently and I reason with them. I have to work on the research paper I am writing with Sabina, so I open the word file of the project.

We have progressed a little. I had done a literature review in the previous semester about modeling of mentally ill economic decision making. Sabina had liked what I had sent her and we are now working on developing a model.

The model had to be simple. Simple models are better. But simple models are the toughest to develop. They are like water that looks so neat and simple, yet is difficult to create artificially. I spend around half an hour in fleshing out the important explanatory variable. Then I call Sabina. She picks up on the first ring.

‘You picked up fast!’

‘I was chatting with a friend on Whatsapp. Saw your call and picked up.’

‘How are you?’

‘Having a great time at home: good food, good wine, good conversations. Glad I am out of the scintillating heat of that city we work in man.’

‘This city hot too, and humid.’

‘I am accustomed to its heat. It doesn’t sting you like the heat there. And anyways, I spend most of my time in the AC. So, it does not matter.’

‘AC needed. Otherwise, difficult.’

‘Verrryyyy difficult, I tell you.’

‘Just came back from the session.’

‘Cool. How was it?’

‘Going well.’

‘I am so glad to hear this, Kabir. I knew it in my heart that this would help you out.’

‘Thanks for bringing me here.’

‘Don’t thank me. You are a good boy. You deserve better.’

‘#$%^& #$%^& #$%^ # #$%^& #$ #$%^&* @#$%^. #$% #$ # #$%^& #$% #$%^& #$ #$%^& #$ #$ #$%. Don’t let this opportunity go.’

‘She is a good girl and good friend. Stop saying that to me.’

‘Trying to flesh out the model today.’

‘Put the model in your arse. $%^ #$%.’

‘There is no need to talk to me like that. Let me stay in peace.’

‘That’s good. I have been thinking about it as well. You know in a few days, I will send you the variables which are important to develop the model.’

‘Will be looking forward to it.’

‘#$%^ #$%^ #$%^&. #$%^ #$% #$%^ #$%^ #$%^. #$% #$% #$%^&. #$%^ #$%.’

‘She is a good woman. And she will choose the man she wants to sleep with. That is none of my concern.’

‘I will have to go now. Mum is calling. Talk to you soon.’

I put the phone down. The voice keeps insinuating. I keep talking to it as I open a movie on Netflix and start watching it with the voice a constant presence in my head.