‘We are done with your traumas of home. From now on we will focus on the trauma you suffered during your PhD. We will focus on two major hallucinations you got from there, that of the faculty and The-light. The rest of the voices are secondary and if you deal with these voices, you should be fine.’ said the Boss.

I nod my head.

'You should know that your problems started with you interpreting the events around you in a completely wrong manner. You have a problem of interpretation. Your interpretations are not correct. All I would tell you is to be very careful while interpreting anything around you. Please don't worry. Many people are not good at interpretations, otherwise we wouldn't have so much gossip floating around. But in your case, as we have seen, interpretations can run wild. I would suggest you practice becoming evidence based in your life. Rely on evidence, otherwise have your doubts. Do not believe in anything unless you see evidence or hear it from someone reliable.'

'What interpretations are you talking about?'

'Many. The-light got impregnated by the professors. That they are in different parts of your body talking to you. That the hallucinations mean something and are sending you messages. And many more. Just dump them. Do not believe in them.'

'I will try practicing it.'

‘Let’s take the Professor now. It is clear that the proposal on collusion you had given had a triggering effect on you. You got an impression, and a right one, that the professor did not want you to work on it. Now I did some background search on the Professor through my sources. You may not know this but the professor has financial and professional interests in the field. He is close to the political party which is promoting solar in India and has research funds and interests with the government. He intends to sit on government backed committees and bodies and hence does not want to go against its policies. Your work would have gone against his professional interests. It is wrong of him to have not disclosed his financial and professional interests to you. It is a clear case of conflict of interest. He should have made it clear to you in the meeting the actual reason why he was rejecting your proposal. It was unethical and unprofessional behavior on his part.’

‘Wow. Didn’t see it in this way.’

‘Yes, some his friend’s relatives are on the board of directors of solar firms. If you had realized this, you could have talked to someone else about it. Some action would have been taken if at all the Institute has provisions for such unprofessional behavior.’

‘So now I realize why he was so distant to me the whole PhD.’

’Yes. In my opinion, the Professor was habituated in giving PhD topics to his students. And probably, no one had objected to it before. Or come out with their own proposal. We don't know.'

‘Yeah, the student should be allowed to work on the topic of their choice.’

‘Exactly.’

‘You said the Professor is close to a political party?’

‘Yes. Look they are normal people. They want to go up the ladder. And for an academic in India, the only avenue to rise is to sit on government committees and bodies. That is what your professor aspired to do. And you need political backing for that. There is hardly an academic in India who can stand only on the basis of their research work. You have seen the kind of PhD you did. You have read other thesis work. You know how mediocre they are. You have read the derivative work of the professor. There is nothing wrong in that. People have political affiliations and political opinion. You will have to gain one too. Be clear where you stand politically. That is how friendships are formed and careers made. You should have taken a side at the Institute. You should know which side you are on. There is a silent war going on in the country. There is fight for the soul of the country. If you are silent, you are a coward.’

‘Yes, I have chosen a side.’

‘Good. And I hope it is not a side of hate. I hope it is choice of love and peace and friendships and unity.’

‘Yes, I know the other side is vengeful and dividing the country. I will never accept that.’

'Good. Another thing. You need to improve your habits. You need to go back to your pre IIT days and develop a routine. Your life at IIT has changed your reading habits and your sleeping habits. You need to be regular in your work and also sleep well.'

'Yes, that's true. I used to work hard before I went to IIT. But I have a question, what about the other professors?

‘They will go away. Don’t argue with them. Tell them it was not your fault. You were doing the right thing. Your soul is clean. It is they who have to do soul searching. It is they who have get their PhD system better. These voices cannot overpower you anymore. Once you realize that you will win against them. Make new friends. Work with new people. But be careful about the people you are close to. Choose your friends carefully. You never know whose foot is in the mud.’

‘Okay. Thank you. I am angry at this. But I am relieved too. I was so anxious and persecuted myself so much. I took all the blame upon myself and suffered.'

‘Yes but that's the past. Learn, forgive, and move on. That will be it for today. Tomorrow we will take up your other hallucination from the Institute, that of The-light.’

In the hotel, the events of my PhD replay in my mind. These intrusive thoughts have been with me forever. I hear the professor’s voice asking me to increase my medications. I reply that I am under treatment and have no intention of arguing with it. It stays on for some time giving me reasons of why a psychiatrist is best for me. I do not argue with it. It gets silent over time.

 I search Google to check if any notable idea had come out of a PhD at the elite Institutes of India. There are some news articles about the work being done at these places. I follow the details and search for the related research papers. All these ideas had been borrowed from some work done in western countries. There is hardly any originality, any creativity in them. I have never heard of any PhD student making it big in the research world through a work done at the Institute, something which happens in the west. There were no articles about any path breaking PhD work done at the Institute I came from. In any case I would have heard it there if it was the case. I understood why most of my friends at my undergraduate Institute wanted to go to the US for their PhD. I had an offer too, from the University of Chicago, but I had rejected it. I put my hands on my head and close my eyes. The song, ‘Dukhi man mere, sun mera kehna, jahan nahi chaina, wahan nahi rehna,’ is playing in my mind.

I stay like that for god knows how long until the phone rings. It is the hotel manager asking for the dinner order. I tell him I want a dal fry, a paneer masala and four chapattis and rise up to light a cigarette. I think about the emotions I had during the day and remind myself to jot them down after dinner.