Next day I go to office with a lot of expectation. So much has become clear in these few days. I need to hear what she has to tell me about The-light. It has been a dilemma for me for so long.

Boss is as usual, sitting on the sofa, in a dark brown t-shirt and black jeans. She smiles at me, a little jerk of the lips on the left side, no show of teeth.

‘Today, we will discuss The-light. I am going to clear few delusions you have about her. And then see if we can come to a permanent solution.’

‘Okay’

‘You told her she reminded you of your mother. Why did you say that?’

‘The common friend said students ridiculed her, gossiped about her, a golddigger. He said she had financial difficulties in her family. Resonating with the condition of my mother.’

‘You are wrong. That woman has no resemblance to what your mother went through. Let’s clear this once and for all. Traumafinder. Split it up.’

The scene on the walls splits up into two. On one side is The-light and on the other side is another woman I know.

‘Who is this other woman?’

‘Didi. She lived in the apartment below ours.’

‘Traumafinder. Smile please.’

Both women smile. An exact replica of each other. Thin lips under the big and pointed nose starting out on one side first and then spreading out like the suns rising. And then making little dimples as they stretch like two puddles of cool water. A symmetrical smile with big white teeth showing. The head tilting a little as the eyes start speaking even before the lips move.

“Traumafinder. Body please.”

I see both of them moving. In a yellow salwar kameez. Same sturdy build. Symmetrical walk. Straight backs. Hairs flowing like rivers.

“Traumafinder. Conversations please.”

Both women talking. Right hand moving and swaying as if creating winds, left hand on hips. Smiling and talking with little excitement about mundane things. Composed and cool. No neurosis at all. Clean and clear conversations.

“Traumfinder. Subject please.”

I see myself with both of them. Listening. Observing. Silent most of the times. Doing what they are asking me to do. Enamored.

Stars start coming out of the scene. The room is filled with white shining stars. The Boss is smiling as I look at those stars multiplying. The Traumafinder grows white.

‘So now you know who this woman reminded you of?’

‘Yes.’

‘Can we close this case once and for all now? You have dangled with it for years. It’s time for you to move out of this delusion and the association you wish to have with her. The-light is not like your mother, she is like the mother you wished for as a child.’

‘Yes, I understand.’

‘What makes you think she was in love with you too?’

‘Why would she talk to me like that, go to trips with me knowing well that I loved her?’

‘Modern love is fickle. It’s not like in the earlier days. Nowadays young people fish for love as if they are buying products in the market. They pick one and discard them immediately for the other. True love, unfortunately, does not follow this model. You cannot choose to love. So, we see so many issues with relationships nowadays, people confusing wish for love. Serious love, the kind you wanted is out of business. This woman may have considered you for a while. But she was not in love with you. The unshakable delusion that the other person is in love with you has a name. It’s called Erotomanic delusion. It is one of the symptoms of your schizophrenia.’

I did not speak a thing.

‘Let’s come to the other delusion you have, that which gives her the name. Why do you call her The-light?’

‘Her love filled me with a certain kind of light, white light. She was a delight to me.’

 ‘You are wrong. The filling of your body with white light is the start of your psychosis. Many psychotic patients have reported the beginning of their psychosis as an arrival of light in their bodies. It just happened that you were in love with her when this happened to you. In some ways this love for her and the fear of losing her precipitated this psychosis for you. This woman is neither a light for you, nor has she been a delight, given the kind of experiences you have had with the real woman.’

I keep quiet. This is a jolt to me.

‘She gave problems?’ I ask.

‘Yes, the trauma of her love did. When a man loves a woman, the primary driver is the biological wish to pass his genes to the future by reproducing. You chose this woman to become a partner and pass your genes. When you realized that she hasn’t chosen you back, it gave you a trauma. People who undergo this trauma become restless, irritable, and unable to concentrate on their work. They feel that they have lost everything they cherish. There is a great loss of self-esteem. Another symptom of this trauma is delusional jealousy. Many people in love trauma start getting deluded that their object of love is sleeping with other men they knew. This comes from the feeling of jealousy due to the rejection. In your case, you got deluded that this woman is sleeping with your professors and your other hallucinations. Delusional jealousy is an often seen symptom of love trauma. You know now that none of this is true.’

I nod.

‘How I get over this?’

‘The evolutionary solution when more than one man fight for a woman is that as the woman chooses one of these men, the other give up and accept their failure. One way nature does this is by making the man weak, let’s say through depression, so that he gets out of the race and signals that he is no more a competition. The first thing you have to do is accept defeat. That you have lost this battle and this real woman will no more be your partner. Accept this hallucination as a separate entity from the real woman, someone with a life of its own, just like you have accepted your other hallucinations. Once you do that, the irritability and restlessness will leave you. It will also prepare you for other partners who may be more willing to be with you.’

This time I get it. I nod my head.

‘But this hallucination?’

‘Now there is no one solution to this problem. You can stay in love with this hallucination. Love is a beautiful feeling and if you stop expecting anything from the real woman, you will have a good time with this hallucination which also loves you. Or you can choose to move on with someone else and let this hallucination be in you as a friend. This hallucination has not been persecutory to you as far as I can gather. It will stay with you your whole life reminding you of the real woman. As long as you understand and grasp the truth about the real woman and her disinterest in you, this hallucination will not trouble you. You have to stop listening to it asking you to get in touch with the real woman.’

‘Yes, how I do that?’

‘If it asks to write to her, write to her in your mind. If it asks you to call her, call her in your mind. If it asks you to meet her, meet her in your mind. Do not do any of it in real life. This is the kind of relationship you have with her. Everything should be in your mind. Ultimately, she is the creation of your mind.’

‘Okay.’

‘What do you think, do you wish to stay in relationship with this hallucination, or you wish to move on?’

‘Move on. But need to meet a woman who loves me.’

‘You will meet her one day. You only need your time to come.’

‘Yes.’

‘Last thing about your experience with this woman. During your episode you behaved as if she was at fault. This was a typical male behavior where if something goes wrong it is the woman’s fault. You have to get better as a man. You cannot abuse a woman or sully her name just because she didn’t choose you. Women are free to choose whoever they wish to partner with. You should work on this if you want your future relationships to hold. A woman will only stay with you if you can give her a good time and keep her happy. She does not need to partake of your male ego and toxicity. You can’t become like the other men of this country who take their partners for a ride. You have to work on how you deal with women and should not repeat your behavior with that lady even though you were in an episode and everything happened in your mind.’

‘Yes. Will work.’

‘We will end it today. Tomorrow will be our last session together. We have looked at your traumas in detail. Tomorrow we will give final touches to all your traumatic experiences.’

I come back a little dejected. I had so strongly held to the belief that The-light loved me. And now I realize this is a delusion. And it has a name to it as well. What a shitty illness to have? You can’t even love someone normally!

I lay on the bed. Her hallucination came to me.

‘What do you want to do with me? Make love?’

‘I need to change your name. No more The-light. I will call you by your real name.’

‘That’s fine. I don’t care as long as you love me.’

I shake my head.

‘I don’t want to love you anymore. I want to move on.’

She raises her thumb.

‘Are you fine with it?’

‘Yes, but promise you will love me your whole life. Even if you have a partner.’

She kisses me on my cheek.

‘I promise.’

‘And as long as you don’t get a partner, you keep loving me.’

‘Yes, I will.’

I tell her everything about today. She hears me out. The other voices do not come in. We discuss how to take things forward, now that many things are clear. She asks me to call her over phone. I call her in my mind and talk to her. Then the manager calls for dinner. I do not want to have it in my room. I want to get out. I tell her we will talk again later and go over to the restaurant at the hotel basement to have my dinner